Thank You

Thank you Ahma for the love and support you've given us all these years! We will miss you, but are relieved and excited that you are in greener pastures!

Thank you dear family for being so loving and amazing during this entire time. I often feel that how one reacts in tough settings really says a lot of who one is. I am proud to say that, because of how Ahma loved, raised and cared for us, THIS IS A FAMILY FULL OF LOVE, STRENGTH, AND INTEGRITY. 

Let's keep this tradition alive for Ahma!

Ahma is home now with our Lord

Ahma passed away on Tuesday, July 24 at 2:10am.

The Lord Is My Shepherd

Knowing that Ahma is still lucid, although less verbal now, I pray that her thoughts veer in this direction and that she finds comfort and peace in our good Lord:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
     forever.

~Psalm 23

I imagine God making the truth of His promise to make us lie down in green pastures and to lead us beside still waters especially true right now, calming both her physical pain and also bringing relief to whatever tumultuous thoughts her mind may wander towards and be suffering through.

Weekend re-cap

Friday was a conversation filled day.  When I arrived in the evening, Ahma asked me a bunch of questions such as 'Why haven't I seen you in a long time? Hmm', 'When is so and so coming again (Vivian, Amy, etc.)?' and other things that she wouldn't ask the Aunties, moist poignantly, 'What is this weird disease that I have?'.  This made me really want to tell her the truth, but I held back because of our fathers' wishes.


Fast forward to Sunday night, the conversation with Frank was really good in helping to understand where the fathers might be coming from.  I still see the good of telling her but now appreciate the good of not telling her the full truth as well, namely not letting her mind wander down the road of sadness and potentially extraneous fear and worry by thinking over our family's sad history with cancer.  


Rewind to Saturday.  As many of you I'm sure have heard, this was a tough day since this is when Ahma's condition became significantly worse - she was no longer able to swallow her pills and only able to keep down meager amounts of liquid, often spitting it back up when we gave her more.  She started being less responsive from tiredness or lack of will.  It seems that her hearing was more impaired and she started opening her eyes but she would just be looking, not really seeing, with a hazy glassy quality to her eyes.


Sunday was similar, but Vivian had ordered liquid versions of some of her meds which came in late on Saturday so it made giving her some of her medicine a little bit easier after that.  The social worker/nurse(?) from Hospice Center came by and told us that she needed to be administered morphine more regularly (in small doses) to help control the pain and she was also hooked up to oxygen to increase her level of comfort.  She seemed to rest with more ease than on Saturday and we think some of her fussiness was due to discomfort and pain that we weren't recognizing and therefore addressing as such.

The best part of this weekend was the second half of the night on Friday.  Ahma had started telling Vivian about what she thought about her personality, that Vivian was very much like herself in that when she was happy, she was very happy but when she was angry she was scarily so and had a bad temper.  She contrasted this by saying that Amy was not like herself, but instead had a 'good' personality, more easygoing.


On Friday, Vivian and I decided to follow up on this conversation and started asking Ahma what she thought of her other grandchildren's personalities.  Vivian and Frank's Mom and I did the questioning and at first we thought she didn't hear our questions but then realized she was taking time to think before answering us.  Forgive my inadequate translation skills, but it went something like this:


Vivian? She thinks too much, so much so that she makes things overly complicated for herself.
Amy? Her personality is not great, she is like me, thinks too much. 
Me (Joanne)? Your personality is pretty good, you are optimistic and cheerful.
George? He's very humble. Slight frown.
Kris? He's introverted/keeps to himself/keeps things inside.
Frank? He's too straightforward of a person. Worried furrowed brow.
Jonathan? He's quiet/doesn't say much.
Zoe? She's optimistic/cheerful.


Even though some are more accurate than others, it was fun discussing this with her and just having a great fun conversation.  It is really amazing how Ahma knows each and every one of us individually and how she tailors her answers to reflect that.  I am so thankful for having an Ahma who loves us all so well.

Missing Ahma already

I'm now in DC. It's been less than 24 hours since I left Ahma, but I have already found myself checking on the blog and calling back to the house a few times.

I didn't get a chance to say bye last night as we had visitors. And I suppose that extra chance to say goodbye would not have made that much of a difference... But I am trying to come to terms with the possibility that I've had my last real conversation with Ahma.

My dad has major concerns about starting her on heavier pain medication, particularly we may lose the ability to talk to her. I understand that concern too, but I do want to honor her wishes to be pain-free (or at least not tortured by the pain).

I am assured that I will see her again in heaven, but not having her nearby for the rest of my life is still difficult to accept. Certainly our family has had to deal with that for Ahgong, Aunt Cindy, Uncle Paul, and mom. But I just don't know how things will shake out.

Surely she is still with us, but I just can't imagine life without her.

'When shattering experiences come into your life, in place of fear God will give you courage and comfort.' Psalm 46:2

May the truth of God's words pervade through every day of our lives. Especially now, may these words ring true for both Ahma and our entire family.

With Love,
Joanne

Praise God!

I'm sooooooo relieved. God truly is mysterious, but covers us in all things. As you might know, I'm leaving for DC tomorrow for almost two weeks (7/18-7/27). I had a mini-breakdown because I feared that things would not be resolved by the time I left. Yet, today (Tuesday, 7/17/2012), all the right pieces fell in place.

• Ahma has been approved for hospice program under the Hospice Care Network
• The Hospice Care Network approved Ahma for 40 hours of home health aid care a week (i.e. 8 hours per day on the weekdays that we don't need to pay for).
• Gurwin Home Care found Ahma a live-in home health aid who will start TOMORROW! Her name is Alverie. Please pray for her so that she can be an understanding and caring person for Ahma (and the family) in her (our) time of need.
• Ahma can get a hospital bed the very next day after it is ordered. She needs someone to remove her current bed, just as her hospital bed comes in. We're trying to see of Chen Ho (the guy who fixes things for Ahma) can come the day her bed comes. Please pray that God covers this process. 

Ahma's condition:

• Ahma actually had an OK day today. She drank fresh squeezed orange juice and ensure. 
• Ahma is experiencing a bit less pain than the days before. However, she lays on her back, her abdomen hurts still. But she still asks to die sooner. Pray for her peace of mind and to patiently await God's plans.
• When the nurse came to evaluate her, she discovered some white patches in her mouth. Timothy thinks they are fungal growths in her mouth, due to her broken down immune system. Pray that God keeps her from suffering the ills of that symptom. 
• As I mentioned earlier, the parents are now open to the idea of morphine if needed. Please pray that the family continues to work with her hospice care team to provide the physical and spiritual comfort that she needs. Also, pray that her medications will indeed give her the physical relief she needs.

As I said, I'm sooooo relieved that Ahma will be taken care of (as far as I can tell). At the same time, I'm not sure how I feel about leaving her tonight. This may be the last time I have any real conversation with her. And I know the feeling of loss will kick in later. I just hope that she has been given greater comfort and has felt blessed in our time together. 

I pray that Ahma continues to feel the loving presence of our entire family with her throughout this process. Certainly we cannot traverse every part of this road with her. But I hope she is reassured by our company and the loving embrace of God.

God is Good!

My fear has been that once we start the transition from the Visiting Nurse Service program that Ahma is currently on to the Hospice Care Network program, there would be many gaps in care. In particular, many have advised that Medicare only provides 20 hours of care per week. 


I was just reassured that they can try to get her 40 hours of care per week! Also, I was told that there would be no gap in care!! 


God is the God of big and small things!


Will update more later.

The Concept of Divine Control (from george)

hey family,

i just wanted to share today's devotional from oswald chamber's "my utmost for his highest".  i thought it was very pertinent and timely, particularly given the phone conversation i had with some of you yesterday.  let's keep praying for ahma and our family and ask that god will continue to create opportunities for Him to be glorified.

happy monday!

george

The Concept of Divine Control
July 16, 2012

. . . how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! —Matthew 7:11
Jesus is laying down the rules of conduct in this passage for those people who have His Spirit. He urges us to keep our minds filled with the concept of God’s control over everything, which means that a disciple must maintain an attitude of perfect trust and an eagerness to ask and to seek.
Fill your mind with the thought that God is there. And once your mind is truly filled with that thought, when you experience difficulties it will be as easy as breathing for you to remember, “My heavenly Father knows all about this!” This will be no effort at all, but will be a natural thing for you when difficulties and uncertainties arise. Before you formed this concept of divine control so powerfully in your mind, you used to go from person to person seeking help, but now you go to God about it. Jesus is laying down the rules of conduct for those people who have His Spirit, and it works on the following principle: God is my Father, He loves me, and I will never think of anything that He will forget, so why should I worry?
Jesus said there are times when God cannot lift the darkness from you, but you should trust Him. At times God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not. Keep the thought that the mind of God is behind all things strong and growing. Not even the smallest detail of life happens unless God’s will is behind it. Therefore, you can rest in perfect confidence in Him. Prayer is not only asking, but is an attitude of the mind which produces the atmosphere in which asking is perfectly natural. “Ask, and it will be given to you . . .” (Matthew 7:7).

www.utmost.org

Bad face today

Short Update (pardon me if some is a repeat from yesterday:

• Ahma pointed to the sad face today ("bai bin"). She said she wants to cry, but has no tears. Frank is uncertain if her pain is such that she would cry. 
• We administered 2.5 ml of morphine (normal does for a baby is 5 ml), but it barely did anything for her. She woke up a mere 2 hours later and then had leg pains the rest of the night. Her palms were itchy this morning, which can be a side effect of the morphine.
• We decided to go with Hospice Care Network and then supplement with private pay to cover the rest of the hours. Please pray that God is control of the transition and that everyone involved has a positive experience

In other news, we had a really good time of sharing with my dad yesterday. He acknowledges he believes in God and is open to dialogue about our different experiences of God, but doesn't think any one religion is right. Let's pray hard for him.

But praise God that He has blessed this family with this experience of coming together to comfort and care for Ahma and the chance to share Christ with our loved ones.

Continue to pray that in this moment that we remember God is sovereign over all things, big and small. Pray that He covers each and everyone of us, including our non-believing family members. 

Another So-So Day and some progress

Short update:

• Had hospice consult yesterday. We learned about what they can offer.
• Ahma pooed today, but used a suppository. If you every have to do this for her, you must know that it takes a while for it to work, so you should tell her to relax and not rush to go to the commode right away. It took about 2 hours for hers to work.
• We bought her adult diapers (XL), but she doesn't seem to mind them.
• I've consulted many health professionals (hospice nurse, anesthesiologist friend, etc.) and learned that morphine is really all about making her comfortable. It will help with the visceral pain that she is feeling.
• Ahma flipped through the red photo album that George pulled together. She felt so blessed to have so many loving children and grandchildren in her life. 
• As she was drifting off to sleep last night (July 13), she was reciting some recipes for some of our favorite dishes (minced pork sauce, fatty pork, etc.).
• Ahma did not sleep well last night though.
• We figured out how to use the blender and made some watermelon juice, which she loves (note, must align the arrows for it to work). But she vomited some of it. 

Personal Opinion: We should stop doubting what she has been reporting to us in terms of symptoms. They are indeed happening. When she says she's feeling pain all over her body, that means she's really feeling it. 

A so-so day

Short update

• No bowel movements, but some urination.
• Ahma was in pain most of the day. It now includes her rib cage and also her hip and right calf. 
• We are exploring different pain management options (trying to avoid the more serious ones, e.g. morphine, as much as possible, per the parents' wishes). There is a possibility of getting a pain medication patch that you change 3 days a week. However, the side effects are roughly the same. I suppose it helps with not having to orally take the harder stuff.
• Tiffany Priester, Ahma's VNA nurse manager, came to see her and saw how deteriorated Ahma was. She tried to shuffle around her budget to see if we can request more hours of care (for our consideration as an alternative to hospice care). She said if we cut down the nurse visits to once every other week, we can increase our plan to 12 hours of home health aid care.
• Tiffany also said that we probably wouldn't be able to do the paracentesis (the tap to drain the fluids in her abdomen) as an out-patient because we would have to monitor her blood pressure and all that. This is because she would be losing major electrolytes in her body and it could really throw her body off course and into a downward spiral. It's a risky procedure overall for a short period of relief, if it's successful.
• We are eagerly awaiting the hospice consult tomorrow at 5PM.
• Ahma keeps asking to just give her a "mercy death." I asked her if she knew anyone who got that done. Ahma said she knows people have had this done before. I asked her if she can tell me who so we can find the right doctor. She doesn't answer.
• Uncle John is here to visit. He saw how difficult it is for her to even just go to the bathroom. 
• Ahma really is unable to stand up by herself at this point. We let her go on the commode anyway because it might give her a sense of dignity. Letting her use the commode lets her feel like she still has some control... But I'll be honest... I've had urine on my feet a few times now.
• The thing she fears most is "bothering people" in the process. I don't know how to help her feel like she isn't bothering us.

My editorial: The moaning is hard to deal with. I have found that I've closed the door to her room (though the aid or someone else is in there) just to avoid it. I know this is cruel on my part, but that's how I can "deal with it" during the day while I'm working. But essentially, this is how I feel like we're treating her daily, even for those of us who aren't physically near her, when we deny what it is she is experiencing and fail to tell her why she has such a "weird disease." I know I keep advocating for us to tell her, but everyone seems convinced that she would be "deathly afraid" of a "cancer diagnosis." Did you see the irony in that? 


Anyway, I don't mean to be rude or ironic. I just hope that we can help her die with dignity and that we can have integrity and speak truth in the process.

Some Progress

Short Updates:

• No poo today, but Ahma did urinate a few times.
• She asked for cold drinks (we gave her ginger ale, gatorade, and green bean soup)
• She was in a lot of pain most of the day. 
• Dr. Kathy Foley, George's contact who works at Memorial Sloan Kettering, was able to help advocate on Ahma and our family's behalf to get the Department of Social Services Caseworker and the Visiting Nurse Service Supervising Nurse to pay attention. They are sending a nurse to evaluate her pain today.
• A hospice consult from Hospice Network will come on Friday at 5PM. Bad news is that we won't be able to continue with her current home health aids (i.e. the amount time) if we go with hospice. We will need to choose. We will have to see what the hospice program has to offer. 
• Ahma sat up for about 15 minutes. We sang her favorite hymns and prayed the Lord's Prayer together before she slept.

Please pray for wisdom in comforting/dealing with our family (especially non-believers).

Please pray that we will be able to choose from the best options possible to keep Ahma comfortable.

Please pray that each of us are refined through this fire so that we are a closer image to what God wants us to be.

Lesson Learned - An Excerpt from "How We Die" by Sherwin B. Nuland

I was assigned to read chapters from this book called "How We Die" while in grad school. I've found it very apropo to what we're dealing with now. This excerpt is from the chapter called "Lesson Learned." Dr. Nuland (he's a surgeon) talks about his experience with his Aunt Rose, who he saw very much like our grandma.

-----

Nuland shares this story because his view is that "The greatest dignity to be found in death is the dignity of the life that preceded it. This is a form of hope we can all achieve, and it is the most abiding of all. hope resides in the meaning of what our lives have been." ...

He adds, "The dying themselves bear a responsibility not to be entrapped by a misguided attempt to spare those whose lives are intertwined with theirs. I have seen this form of aloneness, and even unwisely conspired in it, before I learned better." ...

"During my second year of surgical residency, when Rose was in her early seventies... biopsy revealed an aggressive lymphoma... Rose began to weaken... Harvey and I, with the agreement of our cousin Arline, colluded to convince the hematologist that she must not be told her diagnosis."

"Without perhaps even realizing it, we had committed one of the worst of the errors that can be made during terminal illness -- all of us, Rose included, had decided incorrectly and in opposition to every principle of our lives together that it was more important to protect one another from the open admission of a painful truth than it was to achieve a final sharing that might have snatched an enduring comfort and even some dignity from the anguishing fact of death. We denied ourselves what should have been ours."

"Although there was no doubt that Rose knew she was dying of cancer, we never spoke of it to her, nor did she bring it up. She worried about us and we worried about her, each side certain it would be too much for the other to bear. We knew the outlook and so did she; we convinced ourselves she didn't know, though we sensed that she did, as she must have convinced herself we didn't know, though she must have known we did. So it was like the old scenario that so often throws a shadow over the last days of people with cancer: we knew -- she knew -- we knew she knew -- she knew we knew -- and none of us would talk about it when we were all together. We kept up the charade to the end. Aunt Rose was deprived and so were we of the coming together that should have been, when we might finally tell her what her life had given us. In this sense, my Aunt Rose died alone."

-----

I don't know if I necessarily agree with his view about what "hope" is, but I do very much agree with his assessment of "aloneness." If we can't have frank conversations with Ahma about how she will be leaving us in physical death, but that we are still with her in life, after her life, and in eternity, then she is in many ways still alone, even if we are physically near. I feel that it is very important to let her know we are always with her, even beyond just the physical. That's why being a believer is so important to her. 

A Mixed Day

Ahma started out the day well. (Note that she poo-ed in the middle of night). The nurse came to see how she was doing. She was unable to say how much her pain was from a scale of 1 through 10 (10 being the worst pain). But when given a range of smiley faces to crying faces, she pointed and said, "the tiny smile one." This evening, I asked her again and she said the same. She added that it is because she has so many loved ones in her life. (While it's a relief to know she is a "tiny smiley", I still wonder what her pain level is.)

Later in the day she had one piece of Eel Avocado roll and half a piece of California roll. Then she had a few bites of ice cream. Then she had some more ginger ale. It was a good eating day. Then she poo-ed (^_^)

Her afternoon was rough though. We realized we forgot to give her the morning meds. That was a MAJOR FAIL on our parts. We gave them all to her at once, but she still felt severe pain all afternoon. It was also during a time when I had to take some work calls and couldn't attend to her. George stayed to rub her belly. Eventually she fell asleep and seemed to be in less pain. I wish I knew which smiley/sad face she was then. 


Ahma woke up when we were all eating dinner. She called us many times, but we didn't hear her. Aunt Sally discovered her calling out to us to get ginger ale. Apparently she looked all teary eyed. When I came to her, I told her I was sorry for not hearing and asked if I should just lay in bed with her always. She said in a puppy-like voice (in Taiwanese), "OK". (I'm screwed)

Aunt Sally suggested we get her a bell... but I'm afraid that signals something too close to death for her (or perhaps for me... despite how prepared I say I am).

Ahma sat up for ginger ale and also had some green bean soup and coffee ice cream. She then stayed up to tell "Jill" (da jie) to take care of her husband. Jill joked that she should take care of him well so that she will always have money to spend. Ahma said, "Don't do that to him."

We then tested Ahma, asking if her if all the women in the room should have babies. Vivian shouldn't worry whether she has a baby or not. Jill is too old because she's 50. Annie can have babies when she gets married, but she's still young. She said I (Amy) needs a stable job first. Aunt Sally, she said (in Taiwanese), "Are you trying to scare someone? You're 67!" What a modern and humorous grandmother we have. (Sorry for revealing our aunts' ages)


Since Uncle Hong Tian and his wife were headed back to Taiwan, Ahma asked to speak to them. She said, "You need to believe in Christ. He's a real God who became a person and died for us. Then rose again. It's real. Don't go believing anything else. This is my only wish." She then pointed out that Chia-San (Uncle Hong Tian's daughter) is a believer, but Sunny (Uncle Hong Tian's son) is not. She repeated, "This is my only wish." Then she asked for a cold ginger ale.

Short update from my end with just the "highlights" mostly from last night (July 9) ... sorry for being curt:

• Pastor Lin came over last night and hosted Communion for the entire family (including the un-baptized). He said that it serves 2 purposes: (1) we share a meal with grandma, demonstrating that we are together, (2) we eat Jesus' flesh and drink his blood, demonstrating God's love for us.
• Vivian and George stayed with Ahma. Apparently she couldn't fall back asleep after she urinated and so they stayed up to chat with her.
• She ate 3 pieces of mango.
• We've cut out all the non-essential meds (I think she's down to about ~7 medications)
• We're still running into administrative challenges setting up hospice care. This has been the most frustrating part. 
• Today, Grandma Lin came to visit her and brought over donuts and croissants. Come eat them today!!
• Ahma pooed

Photo of Saturday, July 7 (courtesy of George)

Ahma concluded the day (yesterday, July 7) pretty well. Although she was less active most of the day and complained of calf pain, she was grateful that so many of her loved ones were with her. She was happy that we were not forcing her to drink too many batches of "miracle soup" (i.e. special herbal and chicken soup concoctions lovingly made by our various aunts). Instead, she was able to satiate her thirst with ginger ale and watermelon juice. She even ate 3 pieces of watermelon in the afternoon. 

When Aunt Sally visited, they talked about Aunt Ching-Fang's promise to be baptized this Sunday (FYI - Aunt Ching-Fang is John and Annie Chen's mom). A few days ago, when Aunt Ching-Fang came to visit Ahma, she promised that she would get baptized. Ahma then called dad and Uncle Hong Tian to encourage them to get baptized as well. They said, "we understand." Later Aunt Ching-Fang reveals that she said she would just to cheer Ahma up. Ahma said this is NOT OK. "You cannot take covenants like this lightly." Good thing dad and Uncle Hong Tian spoke carefully.

After Ahma sat up for her watermelon juice in the evening, we all descended in her bedroom. We sang a few praise songs, including one that repeated a verse (in Taiwanese), "God will take care of you." We changed "you" to "me" and encouraged Ahma to keep this verse in her mind at all times. We also broke open a bottle of champagne (courtesy of George) and had a few sips with Ahma. Cheers to her life, happiness, and love from God! (I'm actually not sure if this is exactly right, so others can correct me)

Ahma went to bed soon after that. I heard that the family, joined by Uncle John, then continued to be a bit ridiculous together (i.e. telling perverted jokes, as we Hsiehs do). As Joanne, quoting the Apostle Peter, rightly said, "to get the full value of joy you must have someone to share it with." I think we were able to live some of that yesterday.

It is indeed such a blessing to have such an awesome family, led by an amazing matriarch.

Quick Update: Ahma pooed today.

Also, a verse that I wanted to share:

'Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have someone to share it with.' 1Peter 1:8-9

As much as we need each other for this grief filled time, I think it's even more important that we spend this time where we are all coming together filled with joy,  helping Ahma to remember and rejoice in all of the incredible things God has done in our lives and the amazing ways He has blessed our family especially the ways He has used Ahma to love our family and used her in His grace-filled service.

It seems that Ahma is in better spirits the last two days.

On Thursday (July 5), she was feeling particularly bad. She kept saying (in Taiwanese), "How can I live this way? It's not clear if I'm going to live or die. Just stick a needle in me and let me go." She would moan repeatedly and keep asking why. She also wondered why even the health professionals in her family couldn't think of a solution for her problems.

Timothy, Laura, Krista and Joshua came over to visit. Timothy was able to get in touch with Dr. Perry Stevens, the attending in charge while she was at St. Francis, to figure out how to start the hospice care. They were also able to figure out which medications to cut out and which medications are essential to make her feel comfortable. Ahma wanted to stop all medication since nothing was working anyway, but when we told her that we are cutting things down to just the essentials, she was OK with it.

Joshua was particularly upset to see how Ahtzo was doing. He rubbed her stomach for her to make her feel better. Krista brought drinks for Ahtzo. They begged their parents to let them stay over and so they did, along with Timothy. They all slept in George's room... and I'm sure you all know how uncomfortable that could be. But, apparently it was fun for them too because they don't usually get to sleep in the same room.

Ahma was given two sleeping pills for the night (which is still a pretty small dose) and slept better. She also urinated 2-3 times through the night. On Friday (July 6), she woke up with a less distended stomach and seems to have felt better. Ahma was pleasantly greeted by Joshua and Krista who helped to give her morning medication. She gladly took the medication. She also requested to drink ginger ale (hoping that it was even more bubbly, because that's her favorite). 

Uncle Hong Tian's wife fed her some soup and also rubbed her stomach. Ahma then started instructing her how to make pig's feet, fatty pork, and her other specialties. Ahma also instructed her to make stir fried noodles because Aunt Fuji's husband likes to eat that stuff. Later in the day, when she took her noontime medication, she asked to try the fried noodles. She had a few bites and gave "constructive criticism" to Aunt Fuji on how to make the noodles better.  Aunt Fuji was happy to know that Ahma was still trying to remotely control the family from her bed. 

When Aunt Jennifer came to visit later, Ahma advised her to encourage Kris to continue schooling for another 2 years to get his "doctoral" degree. She then requested to have milk tea. 

George watched over Ahma last night. She only urinated one time, but she seems to have slept. She took her morning medication and even noted that her stomach is less distended still. But now she is complaining of pain in her right calf. 

In terms of the family, the older generation has agreed that it would be OK to tell her that she has a liver problem. They communicated that to her yesterday, but she started to ask, "If I have a liver problem, why aren't my eyes yellow (e.g. from jaundice)?" She is clearly very alert and capable of analysis. 

The older generation definitely struggles with how much to tell her. They are concerned with diminishing her "hope." They are afraid that she won't be able to handle the news of a terminal diagnosis. Timothy and I tried to explain that most people when they receive bad news like this (including the family members), will go through phases of Denial, Anger, and Acceptance. We hope that she is able to move through these phases with our support and not be trapped in fear. Many fear that she will just be trapped in fear until death. I guess there is a lot of room for debate here.

Finally, in other good news, we have been able to get the hospice program to start rolling. A consult will come in on Monday or Tuesday of next week to conduct an assessment.

We are going to have a mini-celebration for her and each pray for her tonight. We are not officially celebrating her "birthday" because it is not OK to celebrate after the actual date, but we will celebrate her life nonetheless.

1 Peter 1:24-25

“All people are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord endures forever."


This verse came to me as my mind wandered this afternoon. I know it's premature in our situation, but I think it is important to remember.

OK for now.

She's OK for now. We get really excited when she drinks, takes her meds, and pees/poops. Kind of like taking care of a baby.

She slept relatively well last night, though I'm sure she'll say that she has had no rest. She had a bowel movement this morning, drank chicken soup and took her medication. The nurse visited today and was helpful in trying to get the hospice care in motion. Ahma also entertained a call from Grandma Lin who gave an update about how her cucumbers were growing and how she met up with Aunt Fuji and her family. Ahma enjoyed it. 

It's kind of tough for her though because I'm not going to be here after Saturday. And most of the relatives that are staying are leaving by the end of 2-3 weeks. And I'm afraid that if they keep feeding her, she will live longer than that and then she will be alone for the "actual end." So we need to figure something out.

Hope I didn't overshare just now.

The News (June 30-July 5)

I haven't blogged in a long time. But I figured it would be important to capture these precious moments of the next few days/weeks. 

On Saturday, June 30, 2012, my grandmother's "100th" birthday, we learned that she had just a short time left to live. The night before her birthday, she was admitted into the hospital because of abdominal pains. We learned that they were due to ascites caused by cirrhotic carcinomatosis. She hadn't been eating or drinking much. The punchline was that this signaled a quick end for her.

This triggered a series of emotions for many of us who were not (and still are not) prepared to face this reality. Some expressed their emotions in a debate over whether to tell her what her illness is at this late stage or to just let her stay "positive." Overall, most were just heartbroken to know that such a cornerstone of our home would soon be gone.

George and I have been trying to spend as much time with her as possible. However, that period is soon to end for me.

I fluctuate between it being real and not real.