Thank You

Thank you Ahma for the love and support you've given us all these years! We will miss you, but are relieved and excited that you are in greener pastures!

Thank you dear family for being so loving and amazing during this entire time. I often feel that how one reacts in tough settings really says a lot of who one is. I am proud to say that, because of how Ahma loved, raised and cared for us, THIS IS A FAMILY FULL OF LOVE, STRENGTH, AND INTEGRITY. 

Let's keep this tradition alive for Ahma!

Ahma is home now with our Lord

Ahma passed away on Tuesday, July 24 at 2:10am.

The Lord Is My Shepherd

Knowing that Ahma is still lucid, although less verbal now, I pray that her thoughts veer in this direction and that she finds comfort and peace in our good Lord:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
     He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
     He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
     forever.

~Psalm 23

I imagine God making the truth of His promise to make us lie down in green pastures and to lead us beside still waters especially true right now, calming both her physical pain and also bringing relief to whatever tumultuous thoughts her mind may wander towards and be suffering through.

Weekend re-cap

Friday was a conversation filled day.  When I arrived in the evening, Ahma asked me a bunch of questions such as 'Why haven't I seen you in a long time? Hmm', 'When is so and so coming again (Vivian, Amy, etc.)?' and other things that she wouldn't ask the Aunties, moist poignantly, 'What is this weird disease that I have?'.  This made me really want to tell her the truth, but I held back because of our fathers' wishes.


Fast forward to Sunday night, the conversation with Frank was really good in helping to understand where the fathers might be coming from.  I still see the good of telling her but now appreciate the good of not telling her the full truth as well, namely not letting her mind wander down the road of sadness and potentially extraneous fear and worry by thinking over our family's sad history with cancer.  


Rewind to Saturday.  As many of you I'm sure have heard, this was a tough day since this is when Ahma's condition became significantly worse - she was no longer able to swallow her pills and only able to keep down meager amounts of liquid, often spitting it back up when we gave her more.  She started being less responsive from tiredness or lack of will.  It seems that her hearing was more impaired and she started opening her eyes but she would just be looking, not really seeing, with a hazy glassy quality to her eyes.


Sunday was similar, but Vivian had ordered liquid versions of some of her meds which came in late on Saturday so it made giving her some of her medicine a little bit easier after that.  The social worker/nurse(?) from Hospice Center came by and told us that she needed to be administered morphine more regularly (in small doses) to help control the pain and she was also hooked up to oxygen to increase her level of comfort.  She seemed to rest with more ease than on Saturday and we think some of her fussiness was due to discomfort and pain that we weren't recognizing and therefore addressing as such.

The best part of this weekend was the second half of the night on Friday.  Ahma had started telling Vivian about what she thought about her personality, that Vivian was very much like herself in that when she was happy, she was very happy but when she was angry she was scarily so and had a bad temper.  She contrasted this by saying that Amy was not like herself, but instead had a 'good' personality, more easygoing.


On Friday, Vivian and I decided to follow up on this conversation and started asking Ahma what she thought of her other grandchildren's personalities.  Vivian and Frank's Mom and I did the questioning and at first we thought she didn't hear our questions but then realized she was taking time to think before answering us.  Forgive my inadequate translation skills, but it went something like this:


Vivian? She thinks too much, so much so that she makes things overly complicated for herself.
Amy? Her personality is not great, she is like me, thinks too much. 
Me (Joanne)? Your personality is pretty good, you are optimistic and cheerful.
George? He's very humble. Slight frown.
Kris? He's introverted/keeps to himself/keeps things inside.
Frank? He's too straightforward of a person. Worried furrowed brow.
Jonathan? He's quiet/doesn't say much.
Zoe? She's optimistic/cheerful.


Even though some are more accurate than others, it was fun discussing this with her and just having a great fun conversation.  It is really amazing how Ahma knows each and every one of us individually and how she tailors her answers to reflect that.  I am so thankful for having an Ahma who loves us all so well.

Missing Ahma already

I'm now in DC. It's been less than 24 hours since I left Ahma, but I have already found myself checking on the blog and calling back to the house a few times.

I didn't get a chance to say bye last night as we had visitors. And I suppose that extra chance to say goodbye would not have made that much of a difference... But I am trying to come to terms with the possibility that I've had my last real conversation with Ahma.

My dad has major concerns about starting her on heavier pain medication, particularly we may lose the ability to talk to her. I understand that concern too, but I do want to honor her wishes to be pain-free (or at least not tortured by the pain).

I am assured that I will see her again in heaven, but not having her nearby for the rest of my life is still difficult to accept. Certainly our family has had to deal with that for Ahgong, Aunt Cindy, Uncle Paul, and mom. But I just don't know how things will shake out.

Surely she is still with us, but I just can't imagine life without her.

'When shattering experiences come into your life, in place of fear God will give you courage and comfort.' Psalm 46:2

May the truth of God's words pervade through every day of our lives. Especially now, may these words ring true for both Ahma and our entire family.

With Love,
Joanne

Praise God!

I'm sooooooo relieved. God truly is mysterious, but covers us in all things. As you might know, I'm leaving for DC tomorrow for almost two weeks (7/18-7/27). I had a mini-breakdown because I feared that things would not be resolved by the time I left. Yet, today (Tuesday, 7/17/2012), all the right pieces fell in place.

• Ahma has been approved for hospice program under the Hospice Care Network
• The Hospice Care Network approved Ahma for 40 hours of home health aid care a week (i.e. 8 hours per day on the weekdays that we don't need to pay for).
• Gurwin Home Care found Ahma a live-in home health aid who will start TOMORROW! Her name is Alverie. Please pray for her so that she can be an understanding and caring person for Ahma (and the family) in her (our) time of need.
• Ahma can get a hospital bed the very next day after it is ordered. She needs someone to remove her current bed, just as her hospital bed comes in. We're trying to see of Chen Ho (the guy who fixes things for Ahma) can come the day her bed comes. Please pray that God covers this process. 

Ahma's condition:

• Ahma actually had an OK day today. She drank fresh squeezed orange juice and ensure. 
• Ahma is experiencing a bit less pain than the days before. However, she lays on her back, her abdomen hurts still. But she still asks to die sooner. Pray for her peace of mind and to patiently await God's plans.
• When the nurse came to evaluate her, she discovered some white patches in her mouth. Timothy thinks they are fungal growths in her mouth, due to her broken down immune system. Pray that God keeps her from suffering the ills of that symptom. 
• As I mentioned earlier, the parents are now open to the idea of morphine if needed. Please pray that the family continues to work with her hospice care team to provide the physical and spiritual comfort that she needs. Also, pray that her medications will indeed give her the physical relief she needs.

As I said, I'm sooooo relieved that Ahma will be taken care of (as far as I can tell). At the same time, I'm not sure how I feel about leaving her tonight. This may be the last time I have any real conversation with her. And I know the feeling of loss will kick in later. I just hope that she has been given greater comfort and has felt blessed in our time together. 

I pray that Ahma continues to feel the loving presence of our entire family with her throughout this process. Certainly we cannot traverse every part of this road with her. But I hope she is reassured by our company and the loving embrace of God.